I had a long talk on the way home yesterday with a good friend of mine who trekked through this same journey a few years ago. She was helping a woman in her club that had gotten notification of an abnormal mammogram. It hit me that just two short months ago, I was getting that same call and it seems a decade since. We started to talk about what to say and what was helpful or not helpful for us. For someone with “C”, it becomes part of your life regardless of the medical outcome and it becomes part of routine dialog.
So many people have reached out over the weeks and said things like “I wanted to reach out, but I didn’t know what to say”. I wanted to set the record straight and say that is OK! There is no right, magical thing to say that makes it better. No one expects you to come up with some frame worthy quote. I think received two cards that stated it perfectly. “Sorry things are kind of the worst right now…here for you whatever you need, whatever you are feeling”. The second stated “You probably don’t want to tell me you everything is ok, when it’s not”. I couldn’t have written them more perfectly. In fact, I think there is a fantastic market here for a greeting card line.
Having the “C” word strips you of control. My way of handling this is to find ways to control it, and everything around me. Last week our community experienced wildfires in close proximity to our home. We of course were safe, but we had to help our friends pack up their home and evacuate. Being just one-week post-surgical recovery, I couldn’t really lift anything, nor move fast and it’s extremely hard to decide what is important with someone else’s belongings. I definitely felt a bit helpless and in the way. When I came home, I was so anxious, and I realized that it was a situation I could not control.
It can also at the same time give you a level of guilt. My friend’s husband is fighting for his life with Stage 4 cancer. I know that what he is enduring is far worse than anything I am experiencing. I can’t be there for her in the way I would have been in another time and place. I logically know that his journey doesn’t diminish the challenges of mine, but I feel extreme guilt and sometimes I try to compensate for that by trying to fix things. As with anything in life, we try to make things better by telling ourselves it could be worse, and that is true, but it doesn’t mean we can’t be struggling. There will always be someone around us facing hard times. Guilt is not yours to carry and it’s detrimental to healing.
The best thing you can do for someone diagnosed with this is just show up, even if it’s imperfect. There is so much value in presence over perfection, listening over fixing. Sometimes simple actions are better than words. Offer a meal, run errands, watch a movie, send a funny meme.
Some things that are helpful to say:
“I’m here for you—whatever it is that you need.”
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“Would you like to talk, or would you prefer space today?”
“I’m thinking of you and sending strength.”
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
I originally included some things to not say in this post, but that didn’t feel right. People have the best intentions, so I don’t want to discourage what someone may feel as helpful. My biggest recommendation is not to avoid the subject. Don’t be afraid to engage. If we are tired and not in a space to talk, we will tell you. Your support is so impactful.
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